


Hux's Garden

by urami



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Gardens & Gardening, Gen, Inspired by the Peter Rabbit trailer, Light Angst, Porgs are an invasive species, porgs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 01:58:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12948846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urami/pseuds/urami
Summary: The war has come to an end. The Supreme Leader has been defeated, but not without heavy casualties on both sides. Hux, having survived, decides it's time to retire to a nice small home with a little vegetable garden. But there's one thing he wasn't counting on:porgs.





	Hux's Garden

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Twitter @urami1080 to yell at me about stuff, or talk about movies, television, or electronic music. Or just to tell me I’m ridiculous for thinking this fic would be a good idea- that’s fine too.

When he was young, Armitage Hux’s mother kept a small vegetable garden out back of their cabin on the academy grounds. The hours he spent with his mother tending to it as a young child, before she’d gotten sick, were some of the only good memories he had of either of his parents. As he’d gotten older, all his memories of his mother had been of her slowly dying from the disease that ravaged her body. And the less said about his worthless father, the better. Armitage had always thought that if he ever survived the First Order, maybe someday he’d like to actually live on a planet again- one that had nice, fertile soil that would support a small vegetable and fruit garden.

 

Eventually, things had worked out that way after all. The Order was defeated. Well, to be more accurate, the Supreme Leader was defeated, courtesy of Kylo Ren and that scavenger girl who’d caused so many problems (Hux couldn’t remember her name, and more than that, he didn’t care what her name was). The two of them really were made for each other, although whether or not they were smart enough to see that was anyone’s guess. At the very least, Ren wasn’t.

 

Of course, there had been heavy casualties on both sides. Phasma, Unamo, Mitaka, most of the troopers, so many deaths. He wasn’t entirely sure of numbers on the other side, but he knew they were just as high, if not higher, than the First Order’s.

 

About the only thing good that came out of the whole debacle (well, other than the death of the Supreme Leader) was that he survived, was discharged of duty, and found the perfect planet to live on. Mitaka’s only surviving family member, his elder sister Luli, lived on a planet near Ach-to. Armitage wasn’t entirely sure why it was so important to him to deliver the lieutenant’s funerary flag and badge to his sister personally, but he felt he needed to see at least _one_ of these through. Most of the officers had been born on Arkanis, which had taken heavy damage during the final battle. They were still tallying up the civilian casualties, but it was thought to have been in the billions. The Supreme Leader’s last stand had been costly for everyone. From what Armitage had heard, the blast epicenter had been in the old Academy. The Academy itself, as well as all of the surrounding districts, had been completely annihilated. He knew for a fact Unamo’s husband and children were unaccounted for, and he was sure similar stories were being repeated in the remnant of the Resistance. 

 

When he’d shown up on her doorstep, Luli Mitaka had slapped him, then embraced him, sobbing.  Armitage had stood there, awkwardly, trying to ignore the fact that Mitaka’s sister was very pretty, very busty, and had essentially smushed him into her chest. Considering she’d already slapped him once, he was also hesitant to point out that fact. His life as a member of the First Order had not really given him much experience with this sort of thing- he’d only known a very few women, and fraternization was strictly discouraged. Eventually, Luli let him go. Armitage tried not to show how eager he was to escape. He didn’t want to offend the woman, after all. 

 

“Doph always spoke very highly of you in his letters,” she snuffled, trying to discreetly dab at her dripping nose on her dress shoulder. “He would be happy to know you survived.” 

 

“Yes, well...” Armitage muttered. “I’m sure he would have preferred to survive _himself._ ”

 

“Honestly, I don’t think Doph ever thought he _would_ survive his tour on the _Finalizer._ We knew when he left for the Academy he’d likely die fighting for the Order. And _he_ thought he’d likely die at the hands of Kylo Ren. He mentioned Lord Ren’s habit of destroying stuff when he was angry, and the time he choked him.” 

 

“Ren was reprimanded for that,” Armitage replied awkwardly. 

 

“Oh, I’m sure he was,” Luli said. “I just don’t think he thought that would matter, especially after the destruction of Starkiller.” 

 

They spent a few more minutes making awkward small talk, before Luli offered Armitage something to drink. He declined, but asked her a few questions about the planet. 

 

Apparently it was called Ach-re, and it was a small agricultural world. It actually was their family’s home planet, although when Luli was young and before Dopheld had been born, the family had relocated to Arkanis.  Luli had hated it, although Dopheld had fit right in, since it was technically his homeworld. When she’d turned sixteen Luli had hopped on a freighter and gotten the hell off Arkanis, a decision that had likely saved her life. Nowadays she made a living growing rare fruits and distilling the juices for a variety of purposes. 

 

Then, Armitage had asked the question- did she know of any property for sale on the planet? 

 

Luli had smiled, waved her hand at  the hill behind her house vaguely. “There’s a little cottage with a garden for sale down that way. It might need a little work, it’s been empty since the previous owner died.” 

 

So Armitage had gone into the town, found a real estate broker, and purchased the house the very next day. He didn’t have many belongings, so it was simple matter to get everything sent to him from storage. And the house came with furnishings, albeit slightly dusty furnishings.  And best of all? There were already plants growing in the small garden out front. 

 

T hat evening he went to bed early, planning to get up and immediately start working on  the garden. 

 

* * *

Sometime that night, Armitage awoke thirsty. Wanting to see what time it was, he reached over to the night-table and groped around to find the old-style analog alarm clock in order to figure out what time it was. But instead of the plastisteel case of the alarm clock, he grabbed something feathery and squishy. 

 

Feathery and squishy? What the hell on the night-table was feathery and squishy? 

 

“SKREEECH!” 

 

“UWAAAAH!” Armitage yelped. He grabbed the… whatever it was, and brought it as close to his face as he dared and squinted trying to figure out what it was. 

 

A huge-eyed,  frowny-faced, bird-like creature was staring back at him. 

 

“UWAAAAAAAAH!” he yelped again, throwing the thing across the room, where it hit the wall with a bounce and a screech. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” 

 

“SKREECH!” 

 

“GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!” he yelled, hopping out of bed to try to grab the evil chubby bird, or whatever it was. The bird thing screeched at him again, and hopped out of the way. 

 

E nraged, Armitage chased it around the room several times, before he managed to back it up against the wall. Trapping the bird with his legs, he opened the window, picked it up, threw it out the window (while ignoring its enraged screeching),  then slammed it shut with a satisfied click. 

 

Whatever that had been, it must have ended up in the house after the previous owner died.  Surely. 

 

The next morning, Armitage got up bright and early, got dressed, and immediately hurried outside. Much to his shock and alarm, the yard was covered with more and more of the weird bird-things. Big ones, small ones, skinny ones, fat ones, even a few that looked like babies. They were  _everywhere._ And even more unnervingly, they all looked  _angry_ . Could birds even get angry? There hadn’t been much in the way of wildlife on Arkanis, and what was there was relatively harmless. These things came in a flock, and they had mouths full of very sharp-looking teeth. Wait a minute, teeth? The birds on Arkanis didn’t have teeth- maybe these were something else? 

 

But then he got a better look at the state of the garden, and he forgot all about the teeth. “Oh, you little  _bastards,”_ he seethed. All the plants in the yard had either been torn up, or were still in the ground, but had been stripped of the vegetables. 

 

One of the birds (he’d decided they were birds after all) hopped up on the fence and cooed, looking very pleased with itself. Armitage glared at it. “You were the one in my room last night, weren’t you?” he asked rhetorically, not really expecting any kind of answer. The bird chirruped, looking even  _more_ pleased with itself, if that was even possible. A vein twitched in Armitage’s temple. 

 

“Oh, this is the end for you and your fluffy little friends, _bird_ ,” he snarled. “I was a general of the First Order! I decimated entire inhabited planetary _systems._ I survived Kylo Ren’s ridiculous tantrums, and his _and_ his girlfriend’s freaky witch powers!  Weird birds with teeth are _nothing_ to me! I’ll kill and pluck every last one of you!” 

 

The big bird on the fence looked at Armitage, looked at the rest of its flock, then apparently made a decision. 

 

“SKREECH!” 

 

Armitage grabbed his garden rake just in time. The birds all kind of hopped/flew towards him. Bracing himself for impact, Armitage imitated a stance he’d seen Ren take with his lightsaber millions of times before. Just before the first bird hit, he  _swung._

 

* * *

Later that day, Luli Mitaka headed over the hill carrying a basket of bread she’d made that morning. She still wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about her late brother’s commanding officer living as her next-door neighbor, but she knew that Dopheld would have wanted her to be friendly. And, if she was entirely honest with herself, Armitage Hux was a very attractive man. And he seemed to have some skills, at least, and was from a good family. Doph had certainly thought well of him.

 

Perhaps this was Doph’s way of looking out for her from within the Force. He’d once written to her that he worried she would be lonely if he fell in the service of the First Order, since she lived alone, so far away from the center of the galaxy. He would have been happy to know that the general he so admired and his beloved elder sister got along well. At the very least, Luli thought she could at least try to make a good impression.

 

As she came over the hill, she heard a cacophony of squawking and swearing. Baffled and alarmed, she held the basket close to her body and took off at a run, only to stop dead when she saw exactly what was happening.

 

Armitage Hux, general of the First Order, was waving a garden rake around like a sword, or a lightsaber, hollering at the top of his voice as he chased a porg around the yard, while the rest of a flock of the invasive seabirds watched from the sidelines making a sound like they were cheering on a sport team. Luli winced.

 

“I probably should have warned him about the porgs, shouldn’t have I, Doph?”

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> It's been over six months since I actually managed to finish writing anything, after falling seriously ill over the summer. I tried so hard to write something, anything, but I either was too sick to write, too tired after trying to go to work all day- I was denied medical leave- too whacked out on medication, or tried to force myself to write only to find it incoherent when I went to pick back up, and the thing I finally manage to write in a whole afternoon I was feeling well is this ridiculous thing. 
> 
> But I'd been thinking about something similar since I saw the trailer for _Peter Rabbit_ with Domhnall Gleeson chasing a bunch of homicidal wildlife around- General Hux tries to grow a garden. And then it came to me: porgs. After all they're supposed to be an invasive species, and Hux would probably hate anything that cute on principle. 
> 
> In any case, I know TLJ is going to kick my ass, Hux is probably going to die, and Kylo Ren is looking _fine_ in the previews. 
> 
> Thank you for reading this goofy ass thing~!


End file.
